5 ways to overcome being a perfectionist
If you ever find yourself, as I have, wondering why someone would ever do something differently to the way you do it, or you believe there is a “right” way to do something, then you may have a tendency to be a perfectionist.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that has wanted to repack the dishwasher after someone else has done it or wondered why anyone would ever open a packet of crisps upside down (when clearly there is a right way up!)
Last year I took a course by author and Chairman of the largest coach-training organization in the world, Shirzad Chamine. The course and his book “Positive Intelligence” was all about finding out what your biggest blockers to success and personal fulfilment were and then reprogramming your mind to work better for you.
At the beginning of the course you had to take a test to identify which of the 10 Saboteurs (your core beliefs that don’t serve you) applied to you. Unsurprising to me and most people who know me well, my top one was the “Stickler” or in other words a perfectionist.
I have known for many years that this was a trait I had but I used to believe that being a perfectionist was a good thing. I remember even using it as a strength of mine when asked in a job interview.
To me it showed I wanted to do a good job, I showed attention to detail, it showed that I cared about my work and that people could rely on me to do a task well and not give up until it was completed to a high standard.
While in small doses and individually these are all good things to strive for, it’s the reason behind why you’re striving for them that can be the underlying problem.
The description in the course of my “Sticker” saboteur was:
“The Stickler is the need for perfection, order and organization taken too far. It makes you and others around you anxious and uptight. It saps your own and others’ energy on extra measures of perfection that are not necessary. It causes you to live in constant frustration with yourself and others over things not being perfect enough.”
So if like me you are striving for perfection what are you actually getting out of it?
There is an amazing book by Brené Brown called “The Gifts of Imperfection” and in this she describes why we are always searching for perfect. She says:
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement and shame. It’s a shield.”
So it’s not about trying to do a good job, it’s about trying to do something so well that nobody could possibly criticise it, judge it or find fault with it and by it obviously what we really mean is us as a person.
This really made me see things differently. Every time I get hung up on something being perfect I asked myself why? Who cares? Why does it matter? What does it say about me if I just let it go? What kind of person does it make me if I don’t and is this who I want to be?
Making mistakes and failing were my worst enemy. Again it meant I was opening myself up for judgement and criticism from others. I had to learn that making mistakes and failing are crucial to success as they’re opportunities for learning.
I look back at things I’ve done in the past and realise how much time I’ve wasted on trying to make something perfect and that it actually lead to procrastination and sometimes giving up on even putting something out into the world. I also realised that striving for perfectionism can be hugely depleting to my energy and well being.
I’ve also seen during home schooling my son during lockdown, how much I have to watch that my tendencies don’t get past down to him. As kids we want to please and earn praise but we also have to teach our kids that it’s OK to make mistakes and get things wrong because we learn from it.
So what are some simple steps to helping overcome perfectionism:
1. Learn to become aware of how you’re talking to yourself.
The more I became aware of how I was telling myself that something wasn’t good enough or I must try harder to get it right or thinking about what people would say if things weren’t right, the more I was able to stop myself and get more used to letting things go.
2. What are you asking of yourself?
Maybe you have set standards so high for yourself that you will always be disappointed if you don’t reach them because they’re unrealistic. Have a look at what you are asking of yourself, especially at the moment when we’re trying to juggle so many balls.
3. What are you asking of others?
Do you hold others to the same standards you have for yourself and does this lead to feeling frustrated with others? This can also stop us asking for help when we really need it.
4. Enjoy the process.
In last week’s blog I talked about enjoying being, not just doing and it helps to focus on enjoying the process of something rather than always focussing on the the outcome.
5. Stop caring what other people think.
I once read this great quote (which a lot of people seem to have taken credit for!) that said “What other people think of you is none of your business”. This is a hard one but if we do things for us and not because of what we think someone else will say or think about us, it’s a lot easier to find peace and happiness in the things we’re doing.
And of course….Self care. The more we take time for ourselves, understand ourselves, cultivate self love and self compassion for ourselves, the easier it is to let things go.
I hope if you have a perfectionism streak in you this has helped to show how you can let some things go and be a little less frustrated and a little kinder to yourself on the journey!
Much love
Gail x
Photo credit - https://unsplash.com/@ugmonk