Is your people pleasing stopping you having healthy boundaries?
Setting boundaries is one of the most powerful things I help my clients with. It’s the most powerful but also one of the hardest.
To be honest before I really started to look at ways I could help myself, support my mental health and be happier, I hadn’t ever really thought about boundaries. I wasn’t even sure I knew what they were but it sounded pretty defensive and not something I needed.
Since learning more about them, and their connection to people pleasing I’ve discovered the magic in boundary setting.
I think we all have slight people pleasing tendencies. We don’t want people to think badly of us but for some it becomes something that can rule our life. While you may think it’s a good thing to want others to be happy, if you’re feeling negative effects of that or your life is suffering in some way then boundaries is a good place to start.
So what are some examples of people pleasing and how it can have a negative effect on you?
There are so many examples I could use here from agreeing to plans I don’t really want to do or making decisions based on what I think others want me to do or say but I thought I’d share with you a powerful story from one of my clients.
So my client was a senior executive who worked incredibly hard, to the detriment of her own health sometimes. She was very driven and successful but wanted to find some more balance. When I first took her through some ideas around people pleasing and setting boundaries I asked her what one small thing would make the biggest change to her life in this area. She told me she craved a break in the day. She never took a lunch break, she spent her days going from meeting to meeting. If she could just get out of the office for a walk and some lunch she knew her body would stop aching and the fresh air and some thinking space would really benefit the rest of her day.
That’s a great idea I said. So as of tomorrow you’re going to take a lunch break every day? I can’t do that she said, what would everyone think of me? Here comes the people pleasing. This is mixed in with expectations of her position and what she thought she “should” do and all of this had been holding her back. She was brave though, blocked out the time in her diary and for that week she took a lunch break every day. Not only did it bring her a huge sense of balance and well being, another amazing thing happened. When she set an example, others followed. Others took time too and people began to see the benefits in their productivity and mindset. Without setting boundaries around her time and moving past what she thought others would think, she would never have felt the benefits.
People pleasing can come in all sorts of forms. It’s habits we have of putting others wants, needs or opinions first and needing external validation in some way.
While it might seem like a noble thing to do, to be selfless and put others first, when you take actions, make decisions, and spend time and energy based on what others want, you’re giving them the control over how your life gets to be. You’re not doing things on your terms but on the hope of the approval of others.
The problem is their approval will never be enough for you. You will always be seeking more because their approval isn’t designed for you. Yours is.
So how do you know you’re people pleasing? Ask yourself, do you ever:
worry about what people will think of you?
think that not pleasing someone means they won’t like you?
put other people before you?
agree to something you don’t want to, just to please others?
worry about other people’s reactions to you saying or doing something?
feel that putting yourself first is selfish?
Now we all have this to a degree and it’s perfectly normal but as I said when it becomes a problem is when doing these things is having a negative effect on you.
Maybe you’re feeling frustrated, angry, irritated or even resentful at doing things because you know they’re not what you want to be doing. Or maybe your health and wellbeing is affected by the time you take dedicating to others.
We all have times where we will end up doing things we don’t want to but it’s about finding the balance and setting boundaries is a great way to reclaim some balance.
So how can we go about setting boundaries?
1. Become aware.
The first thing is to become aware of the fact you may need to set boundaries. If you answered yes to any of the questions above then you might find it helpful to ask these questions too:
Does it matter if people don’t like you? Does everyone have to like you? Do you like everyone?
Are you controlled by the expectations of others? Do you know these expectations to be true or are you assuming?
How much of your energy is taken up by second guessing what others want or expect of you?
Is it wrong to put yourself first?
2. Self acceptance.
A lot of trying to please people and gain acceptance is because we don’t actually accept ourselves. This has, and continues to be a huge journey for me and I’m not sure we’re ever done but the more you can learn to feel good about yourself, the more you won’t rely on feeling good from the acceptance of others. You could start by asking yourself what 10 things do you love about yourself?
3. Saying “no”.
This can be really hard when you’re used to always saying yes, regardless of whether you mean it or not. Start by questioning yourself when you say yes. Do you mean it? Does it feel good? If it doesn’t then start to practice saying no. Start with a small no. Maybe arrange a coffee instead of a dinner. You may need to look at how you feel afterwards too. Is there any guilt there that you need to manage or work through? It may also be easier to give yourself some time to answer instead of feeling pressured into saying yes. Tell someone you’ll get back to them and allow some thinking space before answering.
4. Know what you want.
Decisions become a lot easier when you’re crystal clear on what you want from your life and how you can be authentic in carrying that out. It’s easier to know if you want to say yes or no when you know what you really want and whether that thing or that person fits into it.
5. Protect your time.
Time is one of the most precious assets we have as working mums. Think about the balance you try and strive for everyday and look at every minute as something to be looked after and guarded. What would most serve as the best use of your time? Look at how you’re spending it and if it’s doing things for others and nothing for yourself redress the balance and set some boundaries around your time. Maybe you pick one evening a week which is yours and just can’t be booked, no matter what.
If this all feels very overwhelming to you then I can relate. When you’ve been used to living your life one way it’s hard to change but I promise the rewards I’ve seen in my clients when they start setting boundaries is huge!
So here is my challenge to you. Can you make one decision today based purely on what you want? Put yourself first. Say a little no and be aware of the internal chatter that goes on in your head and how you feel about it. And remember…
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brené Brown
Much love
Gail x
Photo credit - https://unsplash.com/@timmossholder