Do you self-create your stress?
“And then one day, I decided that hurry and stress were no longer going to be part of my life. Stress is self-created; I decided to stop manufacturing it. We can choose an internal calm and joy even amid the chaos.” - Brendon Burchard.
When I first read this quote by a coach and mentor I respect greatly, I could feel myself squirming in my seat.
There was one line that hit me like a ton of bricks… “Stress is self-created; I decided to stop manufacturing it.”
WHHHHAAAATTTT! Now hang on a minute. My brain went into overdrive….
Firstly, he doesn’t have kids so what can he really know about stress.
He’s a millionaire, that worked with Oprah, I mean how amazing must his life be.
From there the list went on…. time, money, freedom…. with all of that of course he couldn’t have much stress. Really what does he know!
Our brains are fascinating things and when we react that defensively it usually means there’s some truth to be uncovered there.
When I’d let my brain run it’s course I sat with the words for a while. Stress is self-created.
We could start by analysing what stress is. We could discuss that stress is our bodies’ reaction to feeling threatened, feeling under pressure or feeling as if we’re unable to cope. This is a huge topic, with a lot of science behind it. We could talk for hours about the different ways we function when we’re stressed and how this can affect our physical, mental and emotional well-being but for this blog, I really just want to focus on this idea of us self-creating stress.
Usually when we think about stress we immediately start to list external factors that cause us stress:
Money
Work
Our kids
Family
Relationships
Health issues
The good old British weather would probably even feature on our lists on a bad day!
And that’s without looking at the bigger picture of what’s going on in the world - who’d have thought we could add a pandemic to the list in our lifetime!
I don’t really need to go on do I? You could easily fill a page of things that do, or have the potential to cause you stress.
So how, when we can put together such a long list, could stress ever be self-created!
The things listed above though aren’t the actual stress, they are the stressors. The things that cause the stress, cause the reaction within us. For example, if you were being chased by a tiger it would be stressful. The tiger is the stressor (the thing that’s causing the stress), the stress is the reaction in our bodies to the tiger, to the threat.
In this case it’s entirely justified that the stressor, the tiger, should cause us some stress. Our life is at risk and our body acts accordingly. But is a tiger the same as Brenda from accounts (sorry any Brendas reading this!) or your kids lost shoe or your mum calling for the third time in a day.
What if I said that not one thing on that list above HAS to cause you stress? That in fact you’re manufacturing it and instead there could be another way? (more squirming in your seat maybe?)
I must point out thought at no stage is this a blame game. We all have enough to deal with without blaming and shaming ourselves into feeling even worse. It’s not your fault that you manage or react to situations this way. Instead of blaming ourselves we must get curious.
What is going on? How might you be creating your own stress? What in built, sub-conscious patterns might you be playing out which are controlling how you react to stress?
Here are a few ideas on how you could, with compassion and curiosity, look at the stress in your life:
1. You can choose what you focus on
Much of our stress comes from focusing on what we can’t control and letting that accumulate within us. It’s raining, I can’t find anything to wear, my laptop isn’t working, one of the kids is sick, I have a million emails to reply to. All of these things may be true but could you choose to focus on something different? Could you choose to find something positive to see? The more our mind looks for something, the more it will find, so let it look for the positive not the stress.
2. You can’t control much, but you can control your reactions.
At no point am I, or was Brendon Burchard originally, saying that bad, upsetting and stressful things don’t happen in your life. Yes they do. But where we can’t control those things happening, we can control how we react. So much of how we react to things is sub-conscious behaviour and habit. Maybe you see a certain name pop up on your phone and you’re immediately filled with dread and stress. Oh great what do they want now? This is probably driven by a whole history with this person but does that mean you can’t react differently? Could you choose to let these things happen around you and not to you? Could you choose to remove some emotion from a situation and see it for what it really is?
3. Are you mind reading?
I used to do this all the time, especially with my husband when we first got together. I’d put my mind and the way it works, into his actions. He’s done that, so it must mean this! It can cause so much unnecessary stress. Where could you be trying to mind read someone in your life? Do you assume you know how someone will react without actually finding out? Do you think you know how someone feels about something without actually asking them? How can you come away from guessing and mind reading and get to know the facts of a situation before the stress builds up?
4. Do you self-criticise?
We probably all do this to some extent. We say things to ourselves that we’d never dream of saying to another person. You’re fat. You look old. You’re never going to make it. You can’t achieve that. You’re a rubbish mum. How much of your stress comes from the way you think about and speak to yourself? Get curious about the thoughts that run through your mind and how stressed they can make you.
5. Do you have a lack of boundaries?
Setting healthy boundaries is one of the areas I love working on with my clients because they give such amazing positive results. Where are you saying yes to things you really don’t want to do? Where are you letting stress build up because you have no time for yourself? Where could say no more and protect your time and energy in a positive way?
“We can choose an internal calm and joy even amid the chaos.”
Chaos is definitely something we all encounter but today I will choose to focus on finding the internal calm and joy and not letting the stress build up. (Even if I’m not a millionaire with Oprah on my speed dial!)
Much love
Gail x