Why it's time to get off the working mum hamster wheel!
Do you ever have that feeling that you’re on a hamster wheel?
Or maybe you feel like it’s Groundhog Day?
As a working mum it can feel like every minute of every day is full. Whether you’re working or whether you have the kids (or whether you’re trying to do both at the same time) it’s constant go.
Our brains never seem to switch off. While you’re doing one thing, you’re probably thinking about the next 3 things to be done. Minutes turn quickly into hours and suddenly another day is done.
It can feel like a constant stream of meal times, changing clothes, entertaining, snacks, taxi driving, school runs, game playing, story reading, Lego building, emails, calls, social media, news, family, and I’ve probably missed another 3 snack times.
And that’s all before you’ve looked after you. Workout, yoga, me time, down time, drinking enough water, eating your 5 a day…..
From the minute you open your eyes to the minute they close again (and sometimes even throughout the night) you are switched on, charged up, and running on that treadmill. One day can feel very much like the next and before you know it whole months or years have gone by in a blur.
So what’s the big deal about being on the hamster wheel? Surely that’s just how life is? I bet you can’t name one mum friend of yours that isn’t the same.
And I have to admit, this can be me too.
I think this year has been worse for this kind of feeling. Since the first lockdown in March, with us all suddenly living on top of each other 24/7, the Groundhog Day affect seemed to get worse. We found ways to entertain ourselves, as we all did, but there have been times where getting up, getting through the day and going to bed have seemed like the only goals. Keep everyone happy, keep everyone safe and get through the day.
I very quickly realised though that one thing I had almost immediately put to one side was me. I was in mumma bear mode. My son had his 4th birthday the day after lockdown and I felt awful. How could I explain to him that his party was cancelled, that he couldn’t see his friends, that his grandparents or cousins wouldn’t be coming to play. In fact, once he realised he could still have cake, the rest he took in his stride! I felt like I took on the emotions for all of us though. How would the kids be feeling, what would they be missing out on, what would happen to jobs, income, food…..
You see the problem with this hamster wheel, the constant moving, the constant thinking, the worrying, the what ifs, the shoulds, the expectations, is that you never have time to really work out how you’re actually feeling and what you can do to make that any better.
When I worked in my corporate job I was very hard working, very determined and had great plans for the future but I was also wrapped up in the day to day stress. I could barely see past the next days drama and worry and was constantly focused on the next hurdle to overcome. My mental, emotional and physical well-being was affected by this. I wasn’t eating some days, I was having trouble sleeping, I’d wake up physically shaking and have to pull myself together, slap on some make up and a smile and make it through the day. The worst thing was I didn’t even realise there was anything wrong with this. Most people I knew complained about their job, said they were stressed, needed the weekend to unwind and relax and I felt I was no different.
When I started working with a coach to help me in my job she asked me what I did for fun, what brought me joy, what on a daily basis did I do to support myself in feeling great? This felt like a foreign language to me. I had fun at weekends (in between worrying about the week ahead) which usually involved drinking!
The concept that not only did I deserve to be happy but that I was worthy of make decisions and choices based on my happiness was a life changer for me. Suddenly I’d been given permission to make choices in my life based on what I wanted. Strangely that was a scary place to be because I knew deep down I needed to leave my job. But who walks away from a well paid, good job with a great company that has prospects and security, just to feel happy?
The most important thing that coaching gave me was time to focus on me.
For an hour a week I was thinking about me.
What I wanted. What made me happy. What I wanted my life to look like. How I wanted to feel. What I wanted to have. What I wanted to do.
This is something I try to come back to on a daily basis. What do I want my day to be like? How do I want to show up in the world today? What kind of mum do I want to be today? What kind of wife or friend? How can I maximise my happiness and joy today?
Now some days with every intention set, life still gets in the way and suddenly it’s bed time and I reflect that very little happened as I’d like it to but the most important thing is getting off the hamster wheel and acknowledging, what is it you want? How do want things to be different and what can you do to change them?
Parenting can feel very much like my old job used to. That there’s not much you can do to change things. Kids still need to be looked after, work still needs to be done and crashing at the end of the day seems inevitable. I’m going to be talking a lot more in this blog about how we can make changes, focus more on our well-being and dedicate some time (that I know you don’t think you have!) to your own self care.
The first step though is to recognise where you are, how you’re feeling and how you’d like to feel differently. And you aren’t going to be able to clearly think about and answer these questions if you don’t step off the wheel, breathe and give yourself a chance to focus on you.
If you feel like this article is describing you and your life, firstly know that you are not alone. Most people feel like this. Also know that just because most people feel like this doesn’t mean there isn’t an alternative.
So why not try this simple exercise.
Set aside 10 minutes of some quiet, alone time (alone what??? I know, but it’s just 10 minutes!)
Set you timer for 5 minutes and write down everything you can about how you’re feeling, what’s going on, what’s frustrating you, where you’re unhappy and where you’re stressed.
Then set your timer for 2.5 minutes and write down everything you’re grateful for. The big things and the little, tiny things. Everything from the health of your kids to the water that comes out of your tap. What do you have in your life to be grateful for?
Then set your timer for another 2.5 minutes and write down how you’d like things to be different. Don’t judge or edit it or try and work out how that would be possible, just open your mind to what would really make you happy.
This is a little starter exercise (more exercises to come in future posts) to start to shift your focus from the day to day chaos to a bigger picture. It’s allowing you to step back, take a breath, and see what’s really going on. Sometimes it can seem overwhelming to look at where you are and where you’d like to be. It can seem an impossible task to change but I promise if you take little, baby steps, consistently you can make those changes.
We don’t realise sometimes how, almost addicted, we can become, to the feeling of stress and chaos. It becomes second nature and it’s not good for our well-being or happiness. So take this opportunity to give yourself some time off the treadmill!
So I’m going to leave you with another quote (who doesn’t love a good inspirational quote!)
“Be sure to step out of the chaos now and then and ask, what do I really want for my life now?” - Brendon Burchard
Here’s to being Stress-free, Guilt-free and Loving Life!
Much love
Gail x
Hi I’m Gail, a qualified work life balance coach and NLP practitioner who helps working mums create a happier and healthier work life balance. I know for certain that when I’m happy, calm and enjoying life, my kids, business and everyone around me benefits and my passion is helping other mums discover the same. I’m a mum of two and my self care routine includes my loves of yoga, meditation, self development books and learning new ways to look after my mind, body and soul.
My blog, discussing my mission, as a working mum, to be stress-free, guilt-free and loving life is available to read weekly at www.gailgrace.co.uk/blog
Photo credit - https://unsplash.com/@frenjaminbenklin